After Shit… it’s Spit!

Shitting isn’t the only thing that Mumbaikars do on and around the railway tracks!!! The other day I was standing at Dombivli station waiting for the train. Suddenly, I see this middle-aged guy squirting the white liquid out on tracks. Well, that’s not an unusual sight for someone from Mumbai. But what amazes me is the fact that this act spreads like an epidemic!!! The moment that guy spat his ‘contribution’ out, a flood of others joined him. Some red, some white. Some on the tracks, some on the edge of the platform, some in the corner of the pillar of the FoB under construction. Then, there are those who are too lazy to walk over to the edge and spit out on the tracks. They just try their luck using their effeciency in flat trajectory squirts!!! Some of those white/red liquid matter falls on the edge, while a good chunk falls on the track!!! These guys are true experts and master exponents in the art of spitting!!! They will easily go one-up on Di Caprio from Titanic!!! Those champions with the flatter trajectory are also able to generate pace in their squirt!!! They press their tongue between their two uneven and colourful set of sixteen (and perhaps lesser and in strange circumstances more!!!), collect the saliva in their mouth and releases the liquid with some force such that it comes out between the little gap in their two upper teeth!!! Quite a talent that… I must admit!!! One that I don’t possess and I dont think I want to!!!

The amount of saliva that comes out, if collected, purified and converted into water, this could easily solve the problem of water shortage not just in Mumbai, but also in Maharashtra (well… even this seems an understatement… could easily quench the whole of India’s thirst!!!…. YUK!!!)

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About a month back, when I was travelling my usual route from Dombivli to VT (oops… CST), I decided to do something out of the ordinary that might gross many of you out!!! Normally, I decide to catch up on lost sleep while travelling- something that I have been doing quite frequently after joining XIC. Somehow, that day, my eyes were open even after Thane had passed (which is when sleep calls me).
I thought I’ll do something interesting here. My attention went to this man in his 30s going about ‘it’ sitting on the railway tracks. And the train on the move wouldn’t even have passed 100 metres when I see another little fellow emptying himself but this time he is on track number 3!!! I decided it’s time for me to take a count. And mind you, this is happening sometime in the afternoon around say 1ish! This explains how I got a window seat from Dombivli!!!

Anyways, my count it seems started increasing after every 200 metres!!! 3…4…5…6… and then there was a sudden pause. The area between Mulund and Bhandup!!! There isn’t much population around the tracks there!!! But again it goes… It increases when I approach Vikhroli!!! I have already reached 13 by the time the train leaves Vikhroli… I have had enough.. I have seen a lot of shit (literally) already!!! I was sure I would have found almost the equal amount of people just between Sion and Matunga!!!

Now, picture this… What if I had decided to take the count during one of the morning time travelling that I do? And what if, during that morning, I had decided to carry on with my counting right till I reached VT? I am sure I would have messed up my count by the time I reached Matunga!!! And I’ll still be having nightmares of shit all around me!!!
And I am being told it’s even worse towards the Harbour side!!! What is it that makes these people risk their lives just to empty their bowels? Lack of Toilets of course, is the major reason. But it’s not just that!!! There are toilets built in some of these areas that I just mentioned!!! Then, why don’t people use them? The answer is simple and lemme explain it to you in a gross manner… The moment you open the door of the toilet (if the toilet ever has one), it is all right there!!! No one bothers to clean them… I know for a fact that I would rather die of constipation than of breathlessness using that toilet!!! SHIT (Literally)!!!

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Naming Mallu Kids!

My blog would have been incomplete had it not been for my bro, Aby, forwarding me this piece about the group of people that you’d find even on the moon… Ever wondered how mallu parents select names for their kids… well, read on and find out!!! This one is a tribute to all the mallu kids on the planet!!!
Statutory warning: If you are not South Indian it might be pointless reading further.
Extra Statutory warning: If you are a Mallu with the pride of Kerala in you, DON’T read any further.
It has been a well kept secret for eons, shrouded in mystery and mazes of deceit, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville, near Thelmasherry, Kerala has consented to let us publish this classified mallu formula, on the naming of mallu kids.
1. Select a combination of both the mother and fathers names. Eg: Suresh and Sharon = Susha or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.
2. The addition of a ‘mon’ (meaning son) or ‘mol’ (meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sushamol, Jobimon.
3. To attach a modern anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl. (Blogger’s Note: I think I’ll fall into this category!)
4. For the politically correct Keralite family, Mol and Mon can be replaced by the universal ‘Kutty'(child), which can be used for both boys and girls! Eg: Jokutty, Susikutty
Even parents having combination names can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo
However, in the scenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible child names. Eg: Itty and Amukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn’t even sound like a name) or Amit (which is like Northie and stuff!), then:
a. Use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Smiley, Anarchy, etc.
b. Use a combination of two English names that you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi, or Sharon + Darlene = Sharlene
c. Use a name from the Bible (and not Nebuchadnezzar! Use one that even Velliammachi can pronounce!) like Jacob, Sam, John, Joseph, Mathew, or Jijo!
Note: The use of the letter ‘j’ is useful in the naming of sibling where names that sound alike are a novelty. Eg: Ajji, Sajji, Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Anjo, Panjo, Banjo.
And finally for all those, who raised and is continuing to raise their eyebrows when they hear my name… here’s something that might make sense: Blessed+Son= Blessen. As I was the younger son, my parents I was a blessing….. So…

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