Mallu invasion in IPL!

During Season 2 of IPL (or was it Season I), I remember joking with my colleagues about a team from Kochi making it to the IPL rooster. Cut to March 21, 2010, and news channels across televisions could be seen flashing the ‘vulgar’ money spent on the two new teams, one of them as per my ‘predictions’ – Kochi! A few expats mallus, some Gujjus, Delhiites, Mumbaikars all forming a part of a conglomerate they call Rendezvous Sports, and a little bit of string-pulling from Mr. Twitter 2009-10 – Sashi Tharoor, and what do you have? A new franchisee – Kochi! Beware! Mallus have invaded the IPL too!!! And possibly in large numbers!!

So, now that we have Kochi in the fray, let’s see what we can expect during IPL Season 4…

  1. Team Name: Except for Knight Riders and Chargers, none of the other six teams have a name that’s catchy enough. Here’s Kochi’s chance to cash in on a ‘fundoo’ name. My suggestion: Kochi Kokonuts!
  2. Jerseys: As mentioned in one of my earlier posts last year, there’s too much of blue (and red) in IPL. Kochi has a chance to break that trend and be innovative. Expect sleeveless banyans and white moondus (dhotis) which will be tied upwards to reveal that blue-lined bermudas beneath!
  3. Sponsors: No one can beat Malluland in the number of jewellery shops and craze for that yellow metal. Don’t be surprised if you see ‘Atlas Jewellery’ printed in large yellow font in those banyan jerseys. ‘Janakodikallude vishwasth sthapanam’ ads will now make its way to non-mallu channels!
  4. Captain: Who other than the golden-eyed boy from Kerala? The now peace-loving and converted Sree will lead the Kochi Kokonuts. Another reason why the team should be called ‘the nuts’!
  5. Coach: If Warne, at age 40+, can be coach and captain, why not Sree for KKNs? The other mallu leaders are busy in striking (not the cricket ball), but striking work – Kerala’s favourite past-time!
  6. Support Staff: As far as physio and fitness is concerned, there are no shortages of nurses (read nerses) in Kerala! Oh, hold on- they’ve all ‘migrated’ to ‘the Gulf’ (read Gelf). Well, the expats can import them for the IPL time-slot.
  7. Cheerleaders: Traditional Kerala’s chattayum-moondum (white kurta-like top and women’s dhoti – sorry, couldn’t find a better way to describe that) only please! We don’t like exposing in Kerala. All those exposing too much will be met with a protest march in red flags and red shirts!
  8. Schedule: IPL will be wary of bandhs, hartals and strikes every second day. All of Kochi’s home matches will be on Sundays. There are no bandhs in Kerala on holidays!
  9. Crowd: Times are changing. If you thought I am gonna say “expect moond and white shirts all across the stadium,” well, you are right. But that’s not because it continues to be Kerala’s ‘everyday clothing’, they are just showing support to their local team! If you can wear blue for Mumbai Indians’ home game and purple for KKR, why not dhotis, which will be the jersey for KKNs!
  10. Sledging: Phaaaaaaa… ()*@#@)(!!@!_@! – That’s sledging in Malayalam!
  11. Brand Ambassador: Mohan Lal (read Mogan) – “njan ilaathe njingalk entho IPL?” (What’s IPL without me? – for the uninitiated, it’s one of his famous ad quotes, twisted to suit this post)

All in all, things are looking exciting for IPL. Honestly, I was getting bored with scenes of Preity’s dimples and Shilpa shouting! Let’s have some puttum kadalayum! Let’s have some Chattayum Moondum. And let’s have a non-stop mallu-blabbering (that’s what we do all the time) wicket-keeper behind the stumps!

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