So, Onam’s here, and Mallus the world over are now doing what the rest of India does during Diwali and Independence day – shop! Apart from shopping, here are some of the other benefits that Mallus enjoy during Onam.

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When S. Sreesanth caught Misbah-ul-Haq at short fine leg to give India the first ever World T20 title, a flood of jokes went viral. The most famous among them being Misbah missing the basic fact that you’ll find a Malayali in every corner of the world. This morning, the tag #മലയാളീസ് (#Malayalis) was trending on Twitter, just going on to show our clan is all over the world! So, here’s a list of places where you’ll find this great clan (and what they’re called there!):

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Before I start this blog, for those who’d be chancing upon this blog for the first time, I am a mallu – and a proud one at that. Very importantly though for you to note is that, I ain’t a beautiful mallu babe, quite the contrary – I am an ugly pot-belly developing typical mallu guy who has that accent when he is told to pronounce ‘horse’. The ‘experiences’ mentioned in this post comes from the encounters that I’ve had with my female mallu friends.
My name is Mercy (pronounced Mézhsee, the sound of ‘zh’ is a unique attribute of a mallu, so don’t try). I did my pre-degree (that’s 12th/HSc in Mumbai) from Liddlle (Little) Flaaour (Flower) High School, afder (after) which I was made to wride (write) an endranss (entrance) for B Yus C Nezhsing (BSc Nursing). It was a madder (matter) of laif (life) and death. My paarends (parents) would scare me saying that if I didn’t pass, no good bois (boys) from Amerigga (America) will come to marry you. Now, that is a very big insendive (incentive) – not for me, but for my papa and mummy! Nezhsing (Nursing) wasn’t however their first choice. They wanted to mage (make) me a Dogtor (Doctor), but thank GOD that my brayins (brains) were not good enough to make me one!
So, indeed, I passed the endranss and my papa paid a few lags (lakhs) Rubees (rupees). Finally I was a Nezhsing student. I comblleted (completed) the degree with a good amound (amount) of success. After my 2 years of bond at that stupidd (stupid) HhOspotall (Hospital), I gave my I Yee Yell Tee Yus (IELTS) exam. But during that time, I got an obbortunity (opportunity) to go Gellf (Gulf). I yearned (earned) loadds (lots) of money by worging (working) in the Minisdry (Ministry) Hosbitall in Dubbei (Dubai). I sent back some money to my paarends in Gerella (Kerala). They are right now billding (building) a big bungllo (bungalow) type house back in Pattazhi Junction. We will have a sit-out where my sisters Plensy and Dincy can study in peace for their Nezhsing.
After I reach a (marri-yageabblle (marriageable) age, which agjually (actually) for Malayalee paarends start the momend we compleded Nezhsing, my reladives (relatives) from far and wide, whom I never knew existed and cared for me so much, will start bringing probosalls (proposals) for me from Yengineer (Engineer) Bois from Ameriga – the ultimade land of dreamss for many malayalees – so much so that some will trade heaven for Ameriga! Laif (life) is all about adjestments (adjustments), a wise mallu once said, and as my friends say, they are habby seeing their hubby once in a fortnight! For when their hubby walks home from office, they are already in hosbitall for their night shift and vice versa! Afder oll, It’s all about adjestments!
Disclaimer: If the characters and facts mentioned in this blog has a resemblance to any mallu girl- living or dead- it’s purely ‘non-coincidental’ and has birthed from the fact the blogger is a mallu, who has encountered many of his friends and relatives going through this. However, none of my mallu friends have an accent like the one I mentioned above. A salute to all my nursing friends – and this ain’t sacrcasm, for I really cannot do what you guys are doing!)

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Mallu invasion in IPL!

During Season 2 of IPL (or was it Season I), I remember joking with my colleagues about a team from Kochi making it to the IPL rooster. Cut to March 21, 2010, and news channels across televisions could be seen flashing the ‘vulgar’ money spent on the two new teams, one of them as per my ‘predictions’ – Kochi! A few expats mallus, some Gujjus, Delhiites, Mumbaikars all forming a part of a conglomerate they call Rendezvous Sports, and a little bit of string-pulling from Mr. Twitter 2009-10 – Sashi Tharoor, and what do you have? A new franchisee – Kochi! Beware! Mallus have invaded the IPL too!!! And possibly in large numbers!!

So, now that we have Kochi in the fray, let’s see what we can expect during IPL Season 4…

  1. Team Name: Except for Knight Riders and Chargers, none of the other six teams have a name that’s catchy enough. Here’s Kochi’s chance to cash in on a ‘fundoo’ name. My suggestion: Kochi Kokonuts!
  2. Jerseys: As mentioned in one of my earlier posts last year, there’s too much of blue (and red) in IPL. Kochi has a chance to break that trend and be innovative. Expect sleeveless banyans and white moondus (dhotis) which will be tied upwards to reveal that blue-lined bermudas beneath!
  3. Sponsors: No one can beat Malluland in the number of jewellery shops and craze for that yellow metal. Don’t be surprised if you see ‘Atlas Jewellery’ printed in large yellow font in those banyan jerseys. ‘Janakodikallude vishwasth sthapanam’ ads will now make its way to non-mallu channels!
  4. Captain: Who other than the golden-eyed boy from Kerala? The now peace-loving and converted Sree will lead the Kochi Kokonuts. Another reason why the team should be called ‘the nuts’!
  5. Coach: If Warne, at age 40+, can be coach and captain, why not Sree for KKNs? The other mallu leaders are busy in striking (not the cricket ball), but striking work – Kerala’s favourite past-time!
  6. Support Staff: As far as physio and fitness is concerned, there are no shortages of nurses (read nerses) in Kerala! Oh, hold on- they’ve all ‘migrated’ to ‘the Gulf’ (read Gelf). Well, the expats can import them for the IPL time-slot.
  7. Cheerleaders: Traditional Kerala’s chattayum-moondum (white kurta-like top and women’s dhoti – sorry, couldn’t find a better way to describe that) only please! We don’t like exposing in Kerala. All those exposing too much will be met with a protest march in red flags and red shirts!
  8. Schedule: IPL will be wary of bandhs, hartals and strikes every second day. All of Kochi’s home matches will be on Sundays. There are no bandhs in Kerala on holidays!
  9. Crowd: Times are changing. If you thought I am gonna say “expect moond and white shirts all across the stadium,” well, you are right. But that’s not because it continues to be Kerala’s ‘everyday clothing’, they are just showing support to their local team! If you can wear blue for Mumbai Indians’ home game and purple for KKR, why not dhotis, which will be the jersey for KKNs!
  10. Sledging: Phaaaaaaa… ()*@#@)(!!@!_@! – That’s sledging in Malayalam!
  11. Brand Ambassador: Mohan Lal (read Mogan) – “njan ilaathe njingalk entho IPL?” (What’s IPL without me? – for the uninitiated, it’s one of his famous ad quotes, twisted to suit this post)

All in all, things are looking exciting for IPL. Honestly, I was getting bored with scenes of Preity’s dimples and Shilpa shouting! Let’s have some puttum kadalayum! Let’s have some Chattayum Moondum. And let’s have a non-stop mallu-blabbering (that’s what we do all the time) wicket-keeper behind the stumps!

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Naming Mallu Kids!

My blog would have been incomplete had it not been for my bro, Aby, forwarding me this piece about the group of people that you’d find even on the moon… Ever wondered how mallu parents select names for their kids… well, read on and find out!!! This one is a tribute to all the mallu kids on the planet!!!
Statutory warning: If you are not South Indian it might be pointless reading further.
Extra Statutory warning: If you are a Mallu with the pride of Kerala in you, DON’T read any further.
It has been a well kept secret for eons, shrouded in mystery and mazes of deceit, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville, near Thelmasherry, Kerala has consented to let us publish this classified mallu formula, on the naming of mallu kids.
1. Select a combination of both the mother and fathers names. Eg: Suresh and Sharon = Susha or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.
2. The addition of a ‘mon’ (meaning son) or ‘mol’ (meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sushamol, Jobimon.
3. To attach a modern anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl. (Blogger’s Note: I think I’ll fall into this category!)
4. For the politically correct Keralite family, Mol and Mon can be replaced by the universal ‘Kutty'(child), which can be used for both boys and girls! Eg: Jokutty, Susikutty
Even parents having combination names can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo
However, in the scenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible child names. Eg: Itty and Amukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn’t even sound like a name) or Amit (which is like Northie and stuff!), then:
a. Use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Smiley, Anarchy, etc.
b. Use a combination of two English names that you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi, or Sharon + Darlene = Sharlene
c. Use a name from the Bible (and not Nebuchadnezzar! Use one that even Velliammachi can pronounce!) like Jacob, Sam, John, Joseph, Mathew, or Jijo!
Note: The use of the letter ‘j’ is useful in the naming of sibling where names that sound alike are a novelty. Eg: Ajji, Sajji, Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Anjo, Panjo, Banjo.
And finally for all those, who raised and is continuing to raise their eyebrows when they hear my name… here’s something that might make sense: Blessed+Son= Blessen. As I was the younger son, my parents I was a blessing….. So…

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